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When Mindfulness Is a Trauma Trigger: April #MeToo
Saturday. Steve and I are doing yoga at home with our teacher, Nadine. Something’s clicked! Today I’m not trying so hard to not-try-so-hard to nail the poses. Sometimes, I feel like a stitched-together jumble of muscles and bones. But today, I’m in harmony. For months, Nadine’s been showing how subtly tilting the pelvis frees the spine so that body extends naturally, finding repose on the anchor of the legs. Yes! I feel it. I feel powerful.
What a great class. At the end, Steve and I lie in corpse pose while Nadine leads a short meditation. Corpse pose involves a complete letting go. We allow our resting bodies to fully melt into the floor. Well, ideally we do.
Nadine speaks gently: “This philosophy says that tension in the body comes from resisting our experience.” I’m still relaxed(ish), but my mind throws out a silent comeback: “You’re goddamn right it does. And for good reason!” I remain lying on my back, and I’m still (sort of) melting, but an old feeling creeps over me: Someone might grab me. I might be attacked.For the rest of the meditation, I tune out what Nadine is saying. I remind myself I’m safe — NOW. I do feel safe here. I trust Nadine. I wouldn’t be living in this house if I didn’t trust Steve.
Bowing to one another, yoga’s over for today. I describe what just happened, and they understand…
