Q is for Quaker: A Conspiracy Theory
I can confidently say that the chest pains I’m suffering are due to stress. See, I’m not unhinged! Therefore, the following is fully verifiable…if you know how to interpret the signs. Stay with me, and I’ll unveil the Grand Truth Tying It All Together.
Life has a way of scrambling your psychological eggs. But not me! I’m as rational as Donald Trump. Just a lot nicer, which proves I’m right.
Stress #1: My 96-year-old Quaker mother was buried yesterday. It was a very sweet time, actually. I was particularly taken with the three men from the funeral home. I took a photo of them, but it has mysteriously disappeared from my phone. Hmmm…with their practiced sympathy, slightly mismatched grey suits, tasteful ear piercings, and questionable teeth, they resembled low-level mafia hit men. I asked my son later if one of them had a gun-like bulge under his jacket. He didn’t think so, but I think he was just placating me.
These “funeral director guys” thought it was funny when I told them they looked like mafiosi. Which totally proves my point. They wouldn’t have been so casual about it if it weren’t true.
Now, my poor mother sleeps with the fishies. Only not in water. But with global warming, who knows?
Stress #2: My husband has been suffering from severe nerve pain for a while. Steve has a lot of trouble walking, sitting, or standing, and every specialist he sees has diagnosed him through the lens of that specialty. So he’s got rheumatoid arthritis (only not), he’s got long-term Lyme (who knows?), he’s got something called poly myalgia rheumatica (but that damn pain moves around his body). It seems that these quacks are in cahoots with Fauci, who personally called my husband and told him to get vaccinated. (Since they both went to Cornell, of course he called Steve) This poisoned microchip has wreaked havoc with my beloved’s nervous system. I know this because he’s got a bruise on his arm that hasn’t healed. It’s the same arm where he got vaccinated, after all. The bruise isn’t in the same place as the vaccination site, so it’s a good bet that he actually received a dose of nerve poison with his booster shot.